As I breathe a sigh of relief and raise my legs on the couch, my head feels like it has a bunch of snow and electricity floating around it. My stomach makes weird noises and I feel slightly nauseous. I have just put my one-year-old twins in bed, a bit early, and my husband is also resting in our own bed.
It is the season. No, not to be jolly, flu season. And of course the kids have caught a lovely virus, one a day after the other, and now my husband appears to have it too. Oh, who knows, I might have it too, but at this point I have no idea what ailments are due to exhaustion, or due to a possible virus.
My living room looks as though big box of toys has exploded in it, even though we keep most of it upstairs to swap out when the twins get bored of it. How is it even possible to make such a mess with so relatively few toys?
The vacuum cleaner stands in the middle of it, neglected. We did vacuum a bit, but didn’t even finish the room. The dishes sit piled up on the counter, even though the dishwasher has dutifully finished its load yesterday. It is half empty now, because we pulled some clean things out of it to use, but we never got further than that.
Even the dining room chairs are scattered around, as nobody bothered to place them back where they belong. I don’t care. Because today I finally felt like a GOOD mother. For the first time ever. And like I said, I’ve been a mom for a little bit over a year!
So what is different? Why did today feel so good, even though the results of my house are terrible? Well, to be fair, my house looks like this most of the time. We clean it up, and five minutes later it’s already messier than before. I don’t know how. If it’s not the kids, it’s probably me with my countless crafty hobbies, or my husband, leaving his cables out.
I believe today felt so good because I very often forgot about my phone. I spent a lot of time talking to the children, crawling on the floor, accepting sticky pieces of rice or whatever else the kids found, and the rest of it doing laundry, proofreading for my sister, or relaxing for a minute or two (no, really, it wasn’t THAT bad, I think I sat down for longer than that).
I find it insanely difficult to truly focus on my children. I don’t know why. Of course I enjoy them, and cuddle them, play with them, tend to them, but I always have a million things I want to do on the back of my mind. And thus, whenever I am with them, I just want to be done so I can move on to the next task.
I don’t know what shifted, what changed, but somehow today I didn’t really care about moving on. Even though I desperately wanted to read my book, watch tv or knit. I laughed as my son tried to shove a toy down my bra, stretching my shirt to the other side of the room. I cooed as my daughter tried to walk towards me and fell down on her wobbly legs. I hugged where there were cries, got up a million times while working on the proofreading, and listened to way too many nursery tunes.
I have to admit, most of the time I absolutely don’t like ‘having to’ play with the kids. It seems boring, because I can’t think of yet another game to play, or another song to sing. And they can’t quite craft with me yet, unfortunately.
So, really, I think my process of accepting my new role as a mother is finally going somewhere. I have struggled with it ever since I heard I wasn’t carrying one baby, but two! Somehow it seemed so much harder, and everything I had looked forward to shifted to ‘Oh my goodness, how?!’ So I think today I have made a significant step in this process.
Nowhere near there yet, but I am very happy with how it went today.
So, how do you deal with your new role as a mom? Or if you’ve long since ‘gotten there’, how did you? What were your challenges, learning moments? I would love to hear from you.